after i had Lung Fung for dinner on a cold winter night.
December,17,2008 will be a day that will live in infamy, well at least for me and the poor drunken souls that stumbled in there after i had rolled my sweet ass bike with chrome fenders into the first of two doors, that are probably there to warn you and make you think twice about going in that hell hole of a restaurant. As if that wasn't enough of a sign my head turns to the right where i can see a blurred but bright "Panda Express" sign trying to pull me towards it , but given the current weather conditions i decide against my beloved 2 entree one side meal. A decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life. After parking my sweet ass bike with chrome fenders in the cubed room that separates the nasty ass bar next door . i walk into the actual restaurant, more signs tell me to run away. 1. The place was empty , which reminded me of the opening lines of the "Night before Christmas" except it was not christmas you know "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse". 2. As i stand there the two waitresses look at me wondering if i've come to the right place and by the second delayed look and finding that i am still standing there they look at each other and wonder who is gonna take my order as if they had played a mental game of roshambo, the asian looking waitress continues reading her Hollywood weekly and i am approached by a goth/confused girl, who probably wonders everyday why people go there and how it kills her not to tell the people that they are about to eat the worst chinese food in the galaxy, either way she does her best to care about me and my food, she asks me if its for "here or to-go" in which i reply "to -go" ,it brings a smile to her face of which i now understand what a relief it must be not to be in the same vicinity as the person who is gonna be eating what her employer considers food. She pulls out a pen and order book, and waits patiently while i try to decide what i want to eat but at the same time wonder what the hell that lingering smell is. Feeling the pressure of her stare as if the places was fully booked i go for an easy choice, chicken fried rice with nooooo egg, i hate eggs, after battling with the tricky folding menu i finally put it down next to the pile of menus on the front table which i can almost guarantee house some sort of dead dried moth perhaps a fly but most certainly some sort of thin winged insect. The waitress then replies with the amount of $6.95 which is not necessarily pricey but i expect more quality or flavor out of my food as opposed to my budget friendly and beloved 2 entree one side meal from the still faithful Panda Express. After giving me my change she says " it will be right out" at which i smile at simply because i wanna go back to my warm house and eat without ever having any thoughts of writing this review ,she follows by saying "really it will take no time at all" which now makes me raise my eyebrow in an awkward fashion and i begin to wonder if its really gonna take two shakes of a lambs tale or faster than saying "blue berry pancakes" to get my food ,both of which come a few seconds short.. literally . After standing there for about a minute and a half, i start to wonder what goes on in "The Bubble Room" (the bar next door), i venture into it while passing my sweet ass bike with chrome fenders looking oh so very lovely in the cube room, i open the door and the smell of old people,wet leathercoats and smoke flood my lungs, i begin to scan the room of this cool sounding bar but the visuals i get are anything but cool, there are about 4 people at the tiny bar with bar stools that would most definitely force you to rub or be rubbed by one of the four creepos at the bar, there are two old people in leather coats having some sort of drunken attempt at being romantic, a lonely balding man who has had too many shoots of everclear in his life to count and some guy in a jean jacket. To my surprise there is a somewhat normal couple sitting at a table in the back with a couple of drinks on their table, the man looks pretty smooth as the woman, but she has got a weird look on her face which made me draw 2 conclusions .1. This is the worst date she's ever been on and is probably never gonna call that guy. 2. The smooth lookin guy is her pimp and the bubble room is their personal break room which she totally hates. After a failed attempt at getting noticed to get a drink while waiting to get my food i walk back to the Lung Fung. As i arrived the waitress hands me a pretty heavy paper bag and i depart. As the gap grows between me and Panda Express i begin wondering how my food is gonna taste and if its still gonna be warm by the time i arrive. I open the box and it looks like a cube of old rice and grey chicken. It's rubbery and clearly old just like the people at the bubble room. in other words Pandas are cooler than Lung Fungs. DO NOT GO THERE unless you are into places named after horrible diseases that have yet to exist.
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